Stool Softener and Ass Bubbles

I woke up yesterday with a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. By noon I felt like I was even money to either crap my pants or puke before I made it home on the subway. I had a nausea and stomach pain that quickly evolved into a fever – basically like food poisoning symptoms but without the volcanic eruptions spewing from both ends of my body – thankfully.
When I told my wife the symptoms, she quickly responded “Oh, you should take a stool softener.”
“What? I don’t think that’s the problem,” I was more than skeptical.
“Yeah – you’re probably backed up – that’s why you feel nauseous.”
At this point I was willing to try anything to make the pain stop, so I popped one of the stool softeners (dosage guidelines: take 1-3: I’ll play it safe) she had on hand for symptoms related to the effects of Vicodin post-surgery.
And this is how I came to be sitting on the toilet blowing ass-bubbles today. I couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that I actually listened to her “stool softener” advice – I’d never taken a stool softener before in my life, and probably won’t take one again anytime soon, but it’s become an instant inside joke in the Dynamite household…. Can’t sleep? Try a stool softener. Headache? Stool softener will fix that. Indigestion? You know it – stool softener.
Now I’m taking peptobismal to counteract the effects of the stool softener, even as Mrs. Dynamite strenuously insists that the stool softener does not cause laxative effects; despite empirical evidence to the contrary. Ok – I realise that this post is probably a case of Too Much Information, but if the thought of me sitting on the toilet blowing bubbles out my ass while my wife laughs at me doesn’t put a smile on your face, well, then, you’ll have to find a new ‘blog to read.

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