No. Don’t. Just Don’t.

An article showed up in my tweeter feed about “vaginal speakers,” which I initially assumed must be a joke.   The Guardian article is a pure gem, so let me  just excerpt a few bits here:

“Spanish company Babypod has invented a speaker that is designed to be inserted into the vagina, stimulating foetal development.

“Babies learn to speak in response to sound stimuli, especially melodic sound. Babypod is a device that stimulates before birth through music. With Babypod, babies learn to vocalise from the womb,” reads the blurb on the company’s website.”

Now let me start with the disclaimer that I’m a huge music fan.  Huge.  I’d say that music plays a major role in my life.  But this – I mean – let’s continue:

“Babypod, however, cites research from a gynaecological clinic, the Institut Marquès, that babies hearing external noise clearly is “solely possible via the vagina”, because the abdominal wall muffles sounds.”

The Babypod.net site contains the image that follows, which looks to me like the grand prize winner in a “let’s see if we can get the most ridiculous slide possible into a funding solicitation deck”

babypod_vag

A picture is worth a thousand words.   Their site also has another picture which illustrates why speakers placed on the abdomen just don’t work in terms of getting sound to the fetus.  You need to blast them with less-impeded vaginal sound waves.

It’s the next tidbit that made me think this *must* be a joke:

The pale pink device, which costs 150 euros (£110), is controlled by a phone app but does not use Bluetooth. Parents-to-be can share their babies’ listening experience using split headphones which hang out of the vagina.

Headphones that hang out of the vagina? Come on.  Really?  Signs point to yes: it seems this is a real product.

The Guardian article has a few more tidbits, which I’ll let you discover on your own.   Babypod’s site contains testimonials from happy mothers who were able to see “reactions” from their fetuses on ultrasounds while using the Babypod.  How they decided that the fetuses were singing and dancing as opposed to screaming in painful horror is beyond my expertise.

Best comment from the Guardian’s site: “I can imagine a place for the rear speakers, but where does the sub-woofer go?”

A tip of the hat to Roddy Boyd (@Sirf_report) whose tweet is what put this story on my desk in the first place:

Sonic Youth: Vaginal Speakers

Babypod

-KD

 

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