Gatorade Tiger?

I can’t be the only one who doesn’t understand Gatorade Tiger can I? Seriously? Regular Gatorade didn’t have enough electrolytes for Tiger – he needed his own personal blend with 25% MORE electrolytes?!?!?! He’s a fucking GOLFER! The entire ad campaign reads like an extended April Fools joke, let’s look at the taglines for the different flavors (taken directly off Gatorade’s website):
RED DRIVE: “What kind of color is red? Red is a warning. A declaration. A color that says I’m ready to do what it takes. Red is focused and driven because red doesn’t like second place. So what kind of color is red? His kind.”
really? seriously? But wait – check out Cool Fusion!
COOL FUSION: “One part body. One part mind. All parts cool. That’s what it takes to come through in the clutch with millions watching. It’s what makes Tiger, Tiger.”
Come on – this can’t be serious can it? Don’t forget Quiet Storm!
QUIET STORM: “His focus is legendary. Underneath a storm of pressure, he ignores doubt and pays no attention to failure. That’s because he can see only one thing. The win. It’s why he’s not just an athlete, he’s Tiger.”
If you couldn’t figure it out, Red Drive is fruit punch, Cool Fusion is lemon-lime, and Quiet Storm is grape.
I was trying to think of a list of athletes who might need “25% more electrolytes” even LESS than Tiger Woods does, and I came up with a few:
David “Big Papi” Ortiz, Baseball, Designated Hitter – sits on the bench for most of the game, coming out of the dugout once every 45 minutes to swing the bat a few times and run 360 feet if he’s lucky. Papi would guzzle Red Fusion.
Johnny “The Scorpion” Archer, Pool Player, 9-ball legend – He’d clearly be a Quiet Storm drinker.
Bob Learn Jr, Professional Bowler – Bob doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia page, so it’s not clear if he actually exists, but rumor has it he was a 4 time PBA champion as of Oct 17th, 2000. Learn would obviously live on Cool Fusion.
Look, it’s not that Tiger is not a phenomenal talent – it’s just that when I think “Tiger Woods” and “golf” I NEVER think “Man, I bet regular Gatorade isn’t meeting Tiger’s rehydration needs – they better come up with a new product for him with MORE electrolytes to meet the rigorous physical demands of a round of 18 holes.”
Is it possible Tiger’s blatant sellout with this ridiculous product angered the Golf Spirits? Shortly after Gatorade Tiger launched, Tiger’s 7 tourney win streak came to an end at the CA Championship, and he then finished a horrendous second at the Masters, AND had knee surgery!!! It’s almost like he put the Madden Curse on himself!
In other golf news, Friend of Kid Dynamite Erik Norton needs your help. Erik is a finalist out of 56,000 entries in the Golf Digest “What Would You Shoot?” US Open contest – the winner of the contest, determined by your votes, gets to play a round at the US Open in a foursome with Tony Romo, Matt Lauer and Justin Timberlake. Norton hopes to be Bringin‘ Sexy Back, but needs your help – you can vote once a day, it’s easy to register and Golf Digest doesn’t send you any unsolicited emails.
until next time,
KD

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