Ding Dong Ditch

Saturday afternoon I was sitting on the couch with Mrs. Dynamite and Oscar, watching TV, when the doorbell rang around 3pm. Now, in general, if you’re ringing my doorbell, you better either be a) an expected guest, b) a friend of mine, or c) delivering something I ordered or would otherwise want.
One main annoyance is that my doorbell sounds like Buffalo Bill’s doorbell at the end of Silence of the Lambs – you know – almost like a fire alarm bell – and Oscar also goes berserk whenever the doorbell rings, channeling his inner guard dog. The other main annoyance is that, well, cold calling me on the phone is one thing – but cold-ringing my doorbell? DYKWTFIA?
I climbed up the stairs (that’s right baby – my apartment has stairs – again – DYKWTFIA?) and buzzed the doorbell. No one came in – I guess the offender had been deterred by the 15 second delay as I trekked up from downstairs. Curious, I walked out to the main door, and opened it, where I was greeted by a fresh faced young lady who had returned to my stoop as she heard me buzzing the door, but had not been quick enough to open it. Normally, I’m at least civil to people, but as soon as I saw “Democratic National Committee” on this girl’s shirt, I unceremoniously cut her off before she was two words into her schpiel, telling her “I’m not interested” and allowing my door to slam loudly in her face.
What I really don’t get is why the Democrats waste their time campaigning in my neighborhood – I live in what I’d assume is one of the most liberal neighborhoods in the ENTIRE COUNTRY. In the 2004 election, Kerry beat Bush in my neighborhood by almost a 7-1 margin (I just spent 20 minutes tracking down that information to prove my point). So seriously – if you’re going to campaign, do it somewhere where you’ll make a fucking difference.
In other news, I found this site with (possibly fake) attempts at cyber-sex chat gone wrong to be extremely funny. Mrs. Dynamite and the Big Show, however, failed to see the humor. I was laughing out loud at my pc this morning reading some of these… an example:
<Bloodninja> Wanna cyber?
<MommyMelissa> Sure, you into vegetables?
<Bloodninja> What like gardening an shit?
<MommyMelissa> Yeah, something like that.
<Bloodninja> Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
<Bloodninja> You bend over to harvest your radishes.
<MommyMelissa> (pause)
<MommyMelissa> is that it?
<Bloodninja> You water your tomato patch.
<Bloodninja> Are you ready for my fresh produce?
<MommyMelissa> I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables… Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
<MommyMelissa> (pause)
<Bloodninja> I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach… Sexily.
<Bloodninja> I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
<MommyMelissa> Grain doesn’t really turn me on… I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
<Bloodninja> my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
<Bloodninja> Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
<MommyMelissa> …
<Bloodninja> My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
<MommyMelissa> What the fuck is this madlibs? I’m outta here.
<Bloodninja> Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can’t see. Bitch.
<MommyMelissa> whatever.
until next time
KD

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