Blowjobs, Mortgages and Responsibility

You never complain about a blowjob. Cardinal rule right? Similarly, you should never try to blame someone else if you can’t pay your mortgage. I’ll expound more on that analogy in a moment.
There are some tough times in America these days due to the stalling and deflation of a massive housing bubble and leverage bubble that resulted in many people taking out mortgages and home equity loans they couldn’t afford. I got fired up yesterday when I saw people protesting outside of Bear Stearns with signs that said things like “BAIL US OUT OF OUR MORTGAGES” and “CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT AT CHASE” in protest of JP Morgan’s purchase of the flailing Bear Stearns.
Guess what – if you can’t afford your mortgage, you should NOT be outside of Bear Stearns protesting that “bailout.” You should get another fucking job so that you can pay your mortgage. The employees of Bear Stearns didn’t get bailed out of anything – many of them lost or will lose their jobs, and all of them lost 90%+ of their net worth in any stock they held – which is frequently a huge proportion (50%-75% and up) of their compensation. The Federal Reserve stepped in and facilitated this deal to preserve the sanity of our banking system as we know it. If they had not done so, the consequences would be far worse – and the term “bailout” is a total misnomer: Bear Stearns is done – kaput.
Now, let me get back to my frustration with the typical American blame game. The term “predatory lending” has been widely used as an excuse to why people cannot afford to pay their mortgages – they are “victims” of the evil ways of the mortage companies. I’ll start with this claim: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PREDATORY LENDING! The term predatory lending is an oxymoron. By definition, if someone is LENDING you money, YOU are the debtor – you should be thankful that someone decided to trust you with their money and assume you would repay it – no one makes money by lending money to people who cannot repay it. That is a simple fact.
Similarly, there is no such thing as a predatory blowjob. If someone is kind enough to offer you a blowjob, you can weigh the benefits and risks in your head, and decide what you want to do – but if you get red bumps on your hammer 5 days later, you can’t blame the cockchugger: that was a risk that you took, but you are never a “victim” when you get a blowjob. Similarly, when the rate on your mortgage resets 5 years later, you can’t blame the lender: that was clearly written in the contract you signed. The girl who was kind enough to throw a free bj at you may turn out to be psycho and call you 20 times a day – hey, that’s a risk you took, and don’t be surprised when the bank calls you 20 times a day to get back the money they were kind enough to LEND you. At least the risks with the mortgage aren’t surprises – they are clearly laid out for you in a contract.
Now, I posted the clip from SuperBad because I realized it’s perfect to illustrate this point. Evan has been desperately wanting to hook up with Becca for the whole year, and now he has his chance, as she’s wasted and throwing herself at him. Back to the mortgage situation: were the mortgage brokers negligent? Absolutely – they gave loans to people who NEVER SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE! See, the mortgage brokers are Becca – they got drunk and exercised bad judgement, throwing themselves at the Evan’s of the world. Unfortunately, the average American doucheball didn’t exercise Evan’s good judgement and realize that maybe they were doing something that would cause problems down the road: instead they just fucked Becca – they took the mortgage that was out of their league.
Then, a few years later, when it turned out they couldn’t flip their house for a profit, couldn’t afford the loan anymore, or were shocked that the interest rate increased (as per the contract they SIGNED!), they wanted to blame Becca. Hey Becca – you never should have blown me – it’s all your fault! Meanwhile, Becca is trying to care for her infant son, she got kicked out of her parents’ home, and has Chlamydia (see, the mortgage companies got fucked too – their business basically evaporated).
And this whole notion of people LOSING their homes – let’s explore an alternate SuperBad universe to clarify this one: Evan decides NOT to use good judgement and lets Becca throw herself at him. They start to hook up, but then Becca sobers up and realizes she’s making a mistake, puts her clothes on and leaves. Does Evan have a legitimate gripe? Well, he’s got blueballs, and he’s frustrated that Becca is a “tease,” but he knows damn well that he never should have been lucky enough to get some of her action in the first place! The fact that she screwed up and gave him a litte taste before she came to her senses is a BONUS for him! If you lose your home because you can no longer afford a mortgage that YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN IN THE FIRST PLACE – guess what – you have no gripe!!! You had a freeroll for a little while, and got to own a home you shouldn’t have. Now you have to give it back.
This is particularly frustrating for me, because I did NOT buy an apartment in New York City, since I correctly didn’t count on values continuing to increase at rapid paces, and I didn’t think I’d be able to afford it. Now, having exercised good judgement, I’m stuck paying sky high rents while those who bought homes they couldn’t afford want to have someone else bail them out.
Come on people – wake up and take responsibility. Blowjobs and mortgages are both fantastic, generous things, and must be treated with respect and reverence, lest they go wrong when you try to take advantage of them.
until next time,
KD

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